From personal experience and years of listening and talking to friends, it seems that finding ‘The One’ seems to prove extremely difficult for so many people. Especially, in this throw away society that we live in, where the next relationship is just around the corner on the next social media or dating website.
Perhaps we are looking for too much, perhaps, we really do have to break it down into the most basic of things that we need and truely understand what the definition of that ‘perfect’ someone is.
Life is shorter that we think and whilst often we are all striving for the nice house, nice car, the perfect man or girl, in the traditional, ideal sense, when it comes right down to it, do those things really make you happy?
This may sound morbid, but take a minute to think about lying on your death bed, hopefully, at a ripe old age. What will you look back on? The things you bought or things you did and the memories you shared and the person that made you feel the happiest? It is an exercise that may help you to put things into perspective about what is truely important.
I have found a few quotes on finding the one from the internet as food for thought.
I hope they make you think too.
Written by the man who (thinks) he knows what every woman wants.
I appreciate that this blog might be a little contentious and by saying ‘every woman’ it maybe a little too all inclusive but from past personal experiences and chats with my female friends about their relationships it seems that many women often want the opposite of whatever they have or go for.
Whilst they may want a man who loves and cares for them and treats them right, what they actually go for is someone who does not give them that.
After talking with a number of female friends over recent years about their relationship problems, it seems the addage ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ may hold some weight because whilst they say they want that all near perfect man and relationship, they are actually holding on to a man that will not give them that love, affection and commitment and then of course I hear those words, ‘but I love him’ so what they want is one thing, what they go for and willing to accept is another.
And then there is the woman who has that man that gives them that love, affection and commitment but then she is the one that messes him about, she fails to appreciate what she has and eventually leaves for someone a little more challenging?
So, I am, therefore, of the opinion that whatever (nearly) every woman says she wants is the opposite of what she really wants?
Confusing, I know!!
Written by – The man (who thinks) he knows what every woman really wants.
Post 1: The ‘Independant’ Woman
I have heard the phrase ‘I am an independent woman’ many times but is being an independent woman compatible with being ‘in a relationship’?
* not dependent on something else for strength or effectiveness, free standing
When I hear the phrase ‘I am an independent woman’ only makes me think there are immediate barriers to a full and proper long and committed relationship, it’s an arms length relationship they want because they want ‘independence’.
After university, law went out the window and Alex got a job in I.T. He is now a self taught programmer, a web developer, dev and/or coder. None the less, the term computer programmer simply means a person who writes code for computer software.
Alex and I met whilst we were both in our last year at university and moved in together together after graduation.
I have seen a lot of articles on ‘why dating a web developer is good?’ or ‘Great qualities web developers have as boyfriends’. Funnily enough these are all written by the coders themselves. There are positives to these scripting maniacs but here is what its like on the other side, as a developers girlfriend and things I have learnt along the way.
Dev’s are wickedly smart, I have learnt this the hard way – I can’t keep up. What runs through his mind amazes me. I have found sitting, nodding and adding the occasional buzz word into a conversation works wonders.
I have gone through several emotions towards Alex but actually the more I think about it the more I realise these emotions have been towards the laptop. I have wanted to throw it out the window and been hugely jealous of the love Alex has for the machine.
None-the-less I moved to happiness, watching the laptop bring joy to him when something has been ‘debugged’ or ‘deployed’. I can’t deny there have been moments when I feel completely ignored and the lid of that laptop has been slammed down by my anger. So, learning that I’m not the only chick in this relationship has helped me – the laptop is the first love.
Once you are dating a dev you are dating the laptop…or sharing him with it – I haven’t yet decided.
I learnt that if you aren’t a busy person or have anything to do – you can’t date a programmer.
When we moved in together I suddenly found myself with a lot of free time. I look at that positively now, as without Alex being so busy I wouldn’t have done new things for myself – including starting my own business!
However, if you think you’ll have 100% of a dev’s attention, you are dreaming. He would spend hours on his laptop debugging code – so I wouldn’t bother asking if my outfit is fine, as he’s busy looking for the missing semicolon.
Dev’s tend to be very happy with their career choice and don’t they keep reminding you of it. I sit their thinking “surely I should be the source of his happiness?”. But anyway, you should never mock people loving their job or careers, it seems very rare to hear nowadays. Even so, it is a little difficult to be reminded of all this after a crappy day of working for someone else.
The t-shirt and the jeans. A programmers uniform. “Never trust a programmer in a suit” seems to be a common phrase I hear in the coding universe. Alex seems to like to tell me that he focuses creative energy into work and not outfits… but surely a new polo shirt wouldn’t harm brain power?
Alex is an alien
I find Alex’s mind is always on a different planet meaning patience is very important. It takes time for him to return to earth sometimes and process the things I’ve said.
I have learnt to cope with this and count a few seconds before he’s back in the room. I have come to terms that this isn’t ignorance he is genuinely deeply focused on the task in hand.
Therefore, more than anything, dating a web dev requires patience, independence and understanding. Taking a second, to try and really understand why he just wants to sit on his laptop all day, saves many arguments. Being able to just go out on my own occasionally, and not take anything personally has been hugely beneficial.
At the end of the day they are doing something they love, earning money and improving themselves . And hey, programmers won’t cheat on you – they don’t have the time!
An absolute lesson – this image says it all.
My story starts when I was eighteen, the age I learnt my most important relationship lesson. If you can bear with an amateur writer then it goes a little something like this; see people for who they truly are rather than who you would like them to be. It sounds simple, easy? However, over ten years on and I still have to remind myself to put the lesson into practice. I have found that there is a tendency to place silent expectations on others, even when the evidence is clearly pointing one way, and then experience disappointment when they have not been met.
So in this relationship I chose to see only parts of the person’s character, the parts that attracted me, and completely ignore the elements which were less appealing and not in keeping with the behaviour that I wished them to demonstrate. I told myself that the power of wanting them was enough to overcome any barriers. By doing this I did not see their character in its entirety and my self-imposed blindness was in fact just as destructive as their apparent lack of effort to make time to see me. Something else that I have also learnt in all my relationships, it usually takes two people for its success or failure. However, in the end the proportion of blame does not remove the feelings of sadness.
Of course when I was eighteen and learning these lessons I did not have the maturity to distance myself from the situation and when the other person’s behaviour did not match my vision of caring, I was inevitably disappointed beyond measure. I could not take a step back and understand that as two separate individuals we were perfectly good people but as a team we simply did not function. I kept coming back to the thought that logically the relationship could work, it should work because we both liked each other and supposedly wanted a future together. The problem stemmed from not being able to spend enough time together in order to get to know one another; there were logistical circumstances that neither of us could control and therefore fuelled our frustration. Then, when we did see each other it felt awkward and our underdeveloped communication skills (being eighteen) worked against us and so we never really moved forward. I remember telling myself every single excuse that I could think of as to why we could not make it fulfilling; transport, timing, I was not trying hard enough, I was a difficult person to be around…and the list went on and on.
The simple truth of course was that we were not actually looking at the reality of each other’s personalities or taking the time to understand other’s perception of what a relationship looked to the other. We liked each other but we did not take into consideration how our different personality traits and our values worked together as a unit. Unsurprisingly we ended our relationship via a telephone call about two weeks before I departed for university. I probably was the only one out of the both of us to shed some tears over it but then that is how I know it mattered to me at that time.
The ‘me’ of today is a completely different to the version of ‘me’ at eighteen and I can honestly say that I can look back at that very short period of time with a fond smile. I was trying to grow up far too quickly but in doing so I learnt the invaluable yet simple lesson; see people for who they truly are rather than who you would like them to be. Now, when I am becoming frustrated or upset by another person’s actions I repeat those words to myself because it helps me to look objectively at the situation and perhaps take a much needed reality check. Am I looking at the person but not making the conscious effort of seeing them? Sometimes I think we become so intent on wanting to confirm, to be society’s version of ‘normal’, that we can forget to ask ourselves what will make us genuinely happy.
The lesson I learnt from my experience was to stay grounded in reality and not allow my exceptionally vivid imagination to run away with itself. By knowing myself and accepting people for who they are without wishing to try and change them, I find life is far less disappointing and rather rich in diversity.
Who knows if I will meet someone to share my life with, but I do know that I wish to have a relationship that will be based on honesty and acceptance. But hey, that is just what the concept means to me.
LESSON : NEVER BELIEVE WHAT A WOMAN SAYS.
OK, I asked my woman what she wanted for her birthday and she said surprise me. So I deliberated for a good week. I listened to everything she said and took note of whenever she said it would be nice to have something that she did not have. Then one day, she said that the sink kept getting blocked and that it would be nice to have a sink unblock plunger. That is when I thought she was giving me a hint, so I went to local DIY store and bought a top of the range pump action sink plunger.
I wrapped it up and on her birthday left it for her to discover by the sink – a lovely surprise for her as she had said a few days earlier that she wanted one, and I had listened to her to get perfect present.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, she did not like my thoughtful present and thought I was taking the Mick. She got even more upset when I explained that I got the top of the range model and not the cheap rubber suction cup type one. She accused me of being unthoughtful.
Now I never listen to what a woman says, and I just get my usual default gift of a necklace – works every time. BE WARNED GENTLEMEN.
Today I was told a relationship story, but the person was not ready to post the details. I would still like to share with you the lesson of the story, as I think this is relevant to so many people and situations.
The lesson was this… Sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time. It may be the right time for you but not for for them, or visa versa, either way, one thing is certain, for a relationship to work, it has to be the right time for BOTH OF YOU at the same time.
Unfortunately at the time you meet or embark on this new relationship you may not even know it is the wrong time. You may feel you are ready, even though you have just come out of that other relationship but later realise you are not, or, something in your life changes which now makes continuing with this romance impossible.
It is also true in reverse, as you can meet the wrong person at the right time, but because you or they or both of you are ready to settle down, you rush into things in the first blissful moments of a new relationship with very little thought.
I am sure many people can relate to this and many have been in the exact same situation. Where you feel you have met “the one”, but for what ever reason, at that moment in time, it is not possible to take the relationship to the next level, what ever that may be. Often this is the person that you think of as “the one that got away”.
Be thankful for the time you had and be happy in the knowledge that you know someone cares, even if that is from afar and who knows what the future holds, but be careful not to put your life on hold waiting. Keep living your life and be open to love.
If anyone has a similar story they would like to share please send it in. It is always great to know we are not alone.